Danger Close to Getting Their Wish

Yesterday Josh was kind enough to offer to stop at CVS to pick up my prescription.  Inevitably, it was screwed up and there was mass confusion on all fronts.  The situation required several phone calls to my doctor while Josh waited somewhat patiently.  What follows is a texting conversation between Josh and I.

Josh: Dr Bianchi never called back, he is trying again now hooray

Tiff: Jesus...

Josh: Think he is filling it now

Tiff: Sweet

Josh: Calling your Dr again

Josh: In other news, my bp is 111/78

Josh: I'll check again in 20 mins

Tiff: At least you're getting the chance to check on your health.  Sorry about the goat rope.

(20 minutes later)

Tiff: They get it straightened out?

Josh: I think so, but they are jackassing around back there like its their job.

Josh: Jerry could work here.

Josh: They're bitching that nothing cool ever happens, even so close to the "hood" no gunshots or nuthin.  They are danger close to getting their wish.

Tiff: Nice, complain to the manger. That would be cool.

Josh: The cane display may become a weapons cache. I think they filled your rx wrong, starting the count over.

Tiff: They are total idiots.  It's not like there should be more than a few pills.

Josh: I'm in a mood dave (Editors Note: This is a reference to the movie "Anger Management")

Josh: Pretty sure I could take the whole staff with a 4 prong cane and back massager.

Tiff: Don't see how the back massager would help you but okay...

Josh: Racking dudes and gouging eyes

Tiff: That's what the cane is for.

Josh: Cane is for creating distance and death, I figured the massager would be nice for close quarters combat.

Tiff: You could always go Tires Plus on them and tell every customer how much CVS sucks.
(Editor's Note: Once Josh got brand new break pads on our Dodge Neon upgraded free of charge by sitting in the lobby of a Tires Plus for 2 hours telling everyone who came in they were about to get screwed.  The manager finally came out and told Josh he would replace them if Josh went away.)


Josh: I think everyone knows.  I'm finally done here.

Fraggle Rock Guts

Disclaimer: it is with great hesitation that I post this one but Josh insists so here it is.

Tonight, after a delightful dessert of creme brûlée, Josh suffered the inevitable digestive consequences. We were laying in bed when he says, "I just had diarrhea 3 times!! How can I need to pee!"

I replied, "Why would you expect to not have to pee?"

"I just assumed it would all come out my ass."

I made the mistake of further questioning his logic by asking, "Do you think you have little elves that build pipelines from your bladders to your rear?"

"I just assumed that its like Fraggle Rock in there. My intestinal distress is the Fraggles doing their dance in there. Then when they arer done with their little song, the Dozers came out and rebuilt it all - scaffolding and pipes and shit."

The conversation ended here. What more could I say?

White Trash Karate

While at Target to buy dog food and diapers, Josh spotted a child of probable white trash DNA with a bandana tied around his head karate chopping the air.

"Holy shit, do you see that kid? It's like white trash karate! I don't know what that entails but I imagine it involves dodging beer bottles for training. I bet he is a level 7 in beer bottle dodging and a brown belt in taking cigarette burns on the back of the neck. His dad's mullet didn't help matters either. 'Someday I'll be able to cut my daddy's hair with these karate chops.' He'll just lay that Billy Ray Cyrus mullet out on a board and chop it to the length he wants. I bet he opens a barber shop someday. He'll call it 'Bobby's Macho Karate Hair Cut Dojo and 8-Track Exchange'. Jesus..."