Three Scars, The Missing Body Part, and Bozo the Clown

After a recent bout of appendicitis and the immediate corrective surgery I have a few thoughts.

First off if you have the choice, pass, it totally sucks. Second, if you do go through with it do it close to home. 

The following are some things you can look forward to:

-The illness and pain leading up to your trip to the hospital sucks. I threw up green goo and nearly shat myself to death before begging my neighbors to drive to the money Sierra Vista Regional Health Center near Ft Huachuca AZ.

- I found it helpful to throw-up in the triage office of the hospital, it gets you faster service (but not faster drugs).

- When you do eventually get drugs their really good, the downside is they made me stand for x-rays which was probably fun to watch, but was scary to do.

- You will get a catheter , this also sucks … a lot (note: when they take it out, they mean it when they tell you to hold your breath).

- I awoke to the sound of laughter, so I naturally checked to make sure my junk was covered. Luckily it was and it makes it a lot easier to pretend they weren't thinking back to when it wasn't.

- Speaking of your junk, I discovered that they had shaved a U-shape into my pube patch causing the total package to bear a striking resemblance to one Bozo the clown. I blame myself for letting get out of hand (figuratively) down there. I guess pubes are like clean underwear in that respect.

- Along with that the shave job they gave left chest hair from my nipples up. I know that's still a lot of hair, but come on people go the extra mile and finish the job.

- For only being three little cuts (belly button, left side (opposite of appendix) and the afore mentioned pube slice bruising is extensive and discomfort high.

- I was lucky enough to have both my wife and my mother fly out to visit / care for me. Unfortunately, combined they are twice as smart as the hospital staff and 100 times smarter than the US army. Luckily I had drugs to deal with the pain.

- Speaking of drugs you will pound about 100 Percocets in a week. The hallucinations are pretty cool and never will your dreams be so needlessly detailed. The downside is that it takes Ronald McDonalds secret grease to counteract the turd logjam that the drugs induce (I said duce).

- Additionally, the surgery apparently requires the muscle responsible for pushing out urine to be cut. That is to say that I had to pee with no pressure for a week and a half. Lack of pressure peeing take 5 times as long and is highly inaccurate.

- Tiffany had to drive me/the Jeep back to FL so we spent 3 lovely days smashed in the car together. On the upside I did score a shit-load of pure cane sugar Dr Pepper (the best soda ever!).

- Going back to work also sucks, but they have been cool about letting skate out early when I get burned/worn out for the day … only for this week though.

Well that should be about enough whining for now, guess I'll head for the bathroom and finish trimming the hedges … if I can only find Tiffany's hot wax … just kidding that would really suck.