Josh's Profile

While reminiscing about my adventures in large animal medicine during my vet tech years, Josh started feeling nostalgic about his colonoscopy.

Josh: "I had 100 feet of hose jammed up my ass."

Me: "100? Really...  A colon is only about 8 feet long."

Josh: "But I have an abnormally long rectum - like an extra 8 inches."

Me: "Really?  They actually told you that afterwards?"

Josh:  "Yeah, it's in my Match.com profile."

Three Scars, The Missing Body Part, and Bozo the Clown

After a recent bout of appendicitis and the immediate corrective surgery I have a few thoughts.

First off if you have the choice, pass, it totally sucks. Second, if you do go through with it do it close to home. 

The following are some things you can look forward to:

-The illness and pain leading up to your trip to the hospital sucks. I threw up green goo and nearly shat myself to death before begging my neighbors to drive to the money Sierra Vista Regional Health Center near Ft Huachuca AZ.

- I found it helpful to throw-up in the triage office of the hospital, it gets you faster service (but not faster drugs).

- When you do eventually get drugs their really good, the downside is they made me stand for x-rays which was probably fun to watch, but was scary to do.

- You will get a catheter , this also sucks … a lot (note: when they take it out, they mean it when they tell you to hold your breath).

- I awoke to the sound of laughter, so I naturally checked to make sure my junk was covered. Luckily it was and it makes it a lot easier to pretend they weren't thinking back to when it wasn't.

- Speaking of your junk, I discovered that they had shaved a U-shape into my pube patch causing the total package to bear a striking resemblance to one Bozo the clown. I blame myself for letting get out of hand (figuratively) down there. I guess pubes are like clean underwear in that respect.

- Along with that the shave job they gave left chest hair from my nipples up. I know that's still a lot of hair, but come on people go the extra mile and finish the job.

- For only being three little cuts (belly button, left side (opposite of appendix) and the afore mentioned pube slice bruising is extensive and discomfort high.

- I was lucky enough to have both my wife and my mother fly out to visit / care for me. Unfortunately, combined they are twice as smart as the hospital staff and 100 times smarter than the US army. Luckily I had drugs to deal with the pain.

- Speaking of drugs you will pound about 100 Percocets in a week. The hallucinations are pretty cool and never will your dreams be so needlessly detailed. The downside is that it takes Ronald McDonalds secret grease to counteract the turd logjam that the drugs induce (I said duce).

- Additionally, the surgery apparently requires the muscle responsible for pushing out urine to be cut. That is to say that I had to pee with no pressure for a week and a half. Lack of pressure peeing take 5 times as long and is highly inaccurate.

- Tiffany had to drive me/the Jeep back to FL so we spent 3 lovely days smashed in the car together. On the upside I did score a shit-load of pure cane sugar Dr Pepper (the best soda ever!).

- Going back to work also sucks, but they have been cool about letting skate out early when I get burned/worn out for the day … only for this week though.

Well that should be about enough whining for now, guess I'll head for the bathroom and finish trimming the hedges … if I can only find Tiffany's hot wax … just kidding that would really suck.

Josh's Christmas Tales: Foam Heads Are No Substitute for Jewelry

While watching a little TV today I was reminded of my greatest holiday prank ... ever.

A few Christmas' ago I was shopping for gifts at the Ft Meade, MD Base Exchange. At the register the checkout girl threw a Spiderman head antenna topper into my shopping bag. (I think she wanted me, but that's neither here nor there.) As I stared at that 3 1/2 inch foam head I was touched by the hand of God, and I knew what I had to do. I searched franticly through the house for a box the right size. I stuffed Spidey in a box, then into another, wrapped it with paper and ribbons and placed it under the tree 3 weeks before Christmas in plain view.

I, of course, was unable to keep my greatness to myself so I told everyone what I had planned. Not understanding the divine nature of this prank all the ladies at work advised against it but I was on a mission from the lord. Every day they asked if I had come clean and started a betting pool on how badly I would be beaten.

Within hours Tiffany discovered the package and the shaking , guessing and wonder lust commenced. Her excitement grew at a rate much faster than I expected. At first I fanned the flames and danced around them like the devil. Then I started to get the feeling this might not work out as well as I had hoped. So I began to down play the box, telling her not to get her hopes up ... but they were already up and there was only one way to bring them down.

I talked her into opening the box about a week before Christmas (or gift exchange day as I prefer). She hurriedly ripped through the ribbon and paper to uncover a classic white box. Opening the box she discovered a small black felt box ... her excitement had reached its pentacle. As she slowly pried the lid open, I turned away conceal the tears of joy that were by now streaming down my reddened face. Suddenly I was struck in the side of the head by Spiderman. "Asshole" she exclaimed "I can't believe you would let me think it was jewelry all this time". Of course she was disappointed, hurt, and humiliated but it was hilarious nonetheless.

And just so you don't think I'm the worlds biggest ass clown, I did have a very nice bracelet all ready for gift exchange day the whole time.

Danger Close to Getting Their Wish

Yesterday Josh was kind enough to offer to stop at CVS to pick up my prescription.  Inevitably, it was screwed up and there was mass confusion on all fronts.  The situation required several phone calls to my doctor while Josh waited somewhat patiently.  What follows is a texting conversation between Josh and I.

Josh: Dr Bianchi never called back, he is trying again now hooray

Tiff: Jesus...

Josh: Think he is filling it now

Tiff: Sweet

Josh: Calling your Dr again

Josh: In other news, my bp is 111/78

Josh: I'll check again in 20 mins

Tiff: At least you're getting the chance to check on your health.  Sorry about the goat rope.

(20 minutes later)

Tiff: They get it straightened out?

Josh: I think so, but they are jackassing around back there like its their job.

Josh: Jerry could work here.

Josh: They're bitching that nothing cool ever happens, even so close to the "hood" no gunshots or nuthin.  They are danger close to getting their wish.

Tiff: Nice, complain to the manger. That would be cool.

Josh: The cane display may become a weapons cache. I think they filled your rx wrong, starting the count over.

Tiff: They are total idiots.  It's not like there should be more than a few pills.

Josh: I'm in a mood dave (Editors Note: This is a reference to the movie "Anger Management")

Josh: Pretty sure I could take the whole staff with a 4 prong cane and back massager.

Tiff: Don't see how the back massager would help you but okay...

Josh: Racking dudes and gouging eyes

Tiff: That's what the cane is for.

Josh: Cane is for creating distance and death, I figured the massager would be nice for close quarters combat.

Tiff: You could always go Tires Plus on them and tell every customer how much CVS sucks.
(Editor's Note: Once Josh got brand new break pads on our Dodge Neon upgraded free of charge by sitting in the lobby of a Tires Plus for 2 hours telling everyone who came in they were about to get screwed.  The manager finally came out and told Josh he would replace them if Josh went away.)


Josh: I think everyone knows.  I'm finally done here.

Fraggle Rock Guts

Disclaimer: it is with great hesitation that I post this one but Josh insists so here it is.

Tonight, after a delightful dessert of creme brûlée, Josh suffered the inevitable digestive consequences. We were laying in bed when he says, "I just had diarrhea 3 times!! How can I need to pee!"

I replied, "Why would you expect to not have to pee?"

"I just assumed it would all come out my ass."

I made the mistake of further questioning his logic by asking, "Do you think you have little elves that build pipelines from your bladders to your rear?"

"I just assumed that its like Fraggle Rock in there. My intestinal distress is the Fraggles doing their dance in there. Then when they arer done with their little song, the Dozers came out and rebuilt it all - scaffolding and pipes and shit."

The conversation ended here. What more could I say?

White Trash Karate

While at Target to buy dog food and diapers, Josh spotted a child of probable white trash DNA with a bandana tied around his head karate chopping the air.

"Holy shit, do you see that kid? It's like white trash karate! I don't know what that entails but I imagine it involves dodging beer bottles for training. I bet he is a level 7 in beer bottle dodging and a brown belt in taking cigarette burns on the back of the neck. His dad's mullet didn't help matters either. 'Someday I'll be able to cut my daddy's hair with these karate chops.' He'll just lay that Billy Ray Cyrus mullet out on a board and chop it to the length he wants. I bet he opens a barber shop someday. He'll call it 'Bobby's Macho Karate Hair Cut Dojo and 8-Track Exchange'. Jesus..."

Florida Ave. Beyond Thunderdome

Josh shared his observations about his drive home one day last week:

"Florida Avenue was a freak show on the way home today.  There was some weirdo dressed in all black wearing a breast plate and shin guards like it was something to do.  In the same block there were a bunch of other weirdos wandering around without shirts on looking confused.  It was like 'Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome' out there."