Air Horn Rules

In regards to NHL fans using airhorns during games:

(From the other room) "Is that the goal horn I hear?"

Me: "No."

"Oh, just people blasting airhorns like assholes.  It should be a league rule that you get to punch anyone who uses an air horn in the face.  No, it should be LIFE rule that you get to beat the shit out of anyone who blows an air horn.  Unless your lost in the <expletive>ing ocean, you don't need an air horn."

Do you have an inside voice?!?!

Josh recently had to fly on Southwest Airlines, one of his least favorite airlines.

"Of course I was in the last boarding zone on that horse shit Southwest open seating.  I don't know why they think that's a good idea, people sitting in random seats like assholes.  The first open seat I came upon was a middle seat, of course, next to a woman with a baby.  So I said, 'Sorry buddy, that's all you' to the guy behind me and rolled.  The next seat was by two old people reading books and ignoring everyone else.   Perfect.  But the asshole behind me kept yelling at his daughter while playing Hangman.  'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!  WHY WOULD YOU PICK F?  WHAT WORDS HAVE F AS THE SECOND LETTER?!?! OH MY GOD!!'  Then he would bang on the seat tray 'F??  AHHH'.  So after an hour of this I turned around and yelled, '<EXPLETIVE>! DO YOU HAVE AN INSIDE VOICE FOR <EXPLETIVE>'S SAKE???'  He just stared at me then started yelling about Hangman again.  Thank god we landed because my next course of action was to tell him that I was going to shatter his daughter's perception that he was invincible by kicking his ass when we got off the plane."

Simba is a pussy

Josh and I often have random discussions at bed time when neither of us can sleep.  On one such night we were discussing our favorite Disney movies and somehow started talking about Lion King characters.  I asked which characters were his favorite.

"The mean uncle lion and the hyenas.  I HATED Simba because he was a <expletive> pussy.  'Ohhh, my dad died, I'm so sad.'  If it hadn't been for a girl kicking his ass relentlessly he would have pussed out."

The Troll Demands a Toll

While waiting for his new phone at Best Buy today, Josh encountered a lady that offended his sensibilities.  She was wearing hobo gloves, had 3 inch fungus nails, and 2 inch fungus toenails.   

"What a train wreck.  She looks like a troll and has Freddy Krueger claws.  I'm afraid I'm going to have a pay a toll to get out of the store alive.  And if I don't she'll grind up my bones for her bread.  What's up with those gloves? They are just work gloves with the fingers cut off so she can get her Freddy Kruger claws in them.Her nails are disgusting!!  And someone has to touch those things to polish them and paint designs on them!  Some poor Vietnamese person had to touch those!!!!  There is a Vietnamese woman somewhere crying herself to sleep right now.  Why are you writing this down?!?!?!"

Fat Ass Jimmy Buffet

"If I were single and suddenly became independently wealthy, I'd move to Key West and become a fat ass Jimmy Buffet.  I'd grow a pony tail and start dressing like my dad (author's note: his dad has an affinity for brightly colored Hawaiian type shirts).  Then I'd spend all day drinking mojitos and all night plowing drunk tourist chicks.  That's what those chicks go to Key West for anyway, to bang fat ass Jimmy Buffet look alikes."

I replied, "Really?  Drunk chicks?"

In response, he said, "Why do you think I'd drink mojitos all day?  To forget the shame."

Welcome to Josh's Epic Rants...

Anyone who knows Josh knows that he can throw down a good rant.  If you don't know Josh, well, then you are about to find out that he can throw down a good rant.  I am routinely entertained by his disgruntled and humorous musings, so it just didn't seem fair that everyone else didn't get to share in the glory. I am here to spread the gospel of Josh...